You said I'm crazy...

Well things have picked up a bit. Friday night was pretty good. Lucy+Michael+Colby+Jolty's+Fabiano's+Walmart+Mark+Waffle House+Playground-Drama= Very good night. Haha I can do math. It was fun getting to catch up, and tell explicit stories about Jolly Ranchers and herpes (you don't want to know), and in the end it made me feel better because the majority of the time I feel like I really don't have friends in D'ville. Then Saturday night was good cause Mark took me to the movies (The Pursuit of Happyness (and that is how they spelled happiness)) then we went and hung out with his friends at Fabiano's till about 1 in the morning. I found out that I'm addicted to the Fast and the Furious video game there. Then last night was coffee with Lucy, Melissa, and Colby. So all in all I've had a few good days with plenty of human interaction.
I figured out what was bumming me out about being home this morning; my parents are treating me like an adult. Not the good kind of adult either, you know going out whenever and not having to check in etc..., but the kind that gets put in the middle of fights, wraps all the xmass gifts, cleans the house, and goes grocery shopping. It was pissing me off, but now that I think about it I'm really glad that at least in a small way I'm helping my parents out, because I know that they've got a lot of shit going on. Hope things are going well for you.

No they'll never catch me now

Christmas break=boring. At least it does when you lack friends in the zip code you're in. Mark has pretty much been working 24/7 so I've spent some quality time with the family (aka I've cleaned the house alot) I went Christmas shopping and as usual got really pissed off. I hate the fact that Christmas equals pressure to buy gifts for the people you care about. I don't like the whole forced to say "I love you" through material items concept, I'd much rather just straight up say I love you to the people I care about and buy them something randomly in the year b/c I want to not because I have to. Due to lack of funds the xmas list got cut to only people I would have no problem saying I love you too, and do so on a regular basis. It just disgusts me to see people (and myself) scurring around buying random crap for people when most people don't even give a shit about the point of this holiday. At this point in time the best gift is that I'm alive and have people that love me, and honestly that's satisfying for me, and I really wished that that was enough for everybody. At least then our addiction to material items would lessen somewhat.
Other than anger towards the holidays (xmass carols must die) not a whole bunch has gone down. Kevin got his throat sliced and diced (tounsels removed) so currently we're all taking care of him. Maybe something will happen this weekend.

I've written pages upon pages trying to rid you from my bones

Good lord I love The Decemberists (hence the title.) I've finally found peace I think. I've spent the last year and a half searching, and hurting, and pretty much wallowing in self pity but I think last night I finally cracked it. I spent the night reading notes from high school, and year book stuff and I realized that the things holding my back have been my tendency to only remember the bad things in people in events. In truth even if I no longer talk to a person the majority of the memories I have with them are wonderful; it's just that for some reason it's easyier for me to remember the bad rather than the good. I'm not sure if I had a point I just felt the need to say that I think things are going to be better for me from here on out.
So last night Mark and I had a 6 year old's dream date. First we ate at The Varisty (which was awesome) then we decided to see if we could eat Krispy Kreme, or if it would kill us. Well luck was on our side because when we pulled into the one on Ponce the hot sign was on. Needless to say we got some doughnuts. After that we ended up rockin' the Scrabble at Jittery's with Woody, then catching a movie before turning in for the night. Rereading that it doesn't sound like the greatest date ever but I had a blast. It's always fun to do shit like. If you don't you should try it. Oh by the way Mark and I are embarking on a diet and work out plan...we'll see how this works.

Just a small town girl

Last week of the semester...what the hell. Where does time go as you get older? I'm sure everybody remembers how the year used to drag by when we were little and it never seemed like it would be summer again, and when it was finally summer it felt like summer lasted decades. When did life suddenly hit the fast forward button so that an entire semester goes by and I feel like it's only been a few weeks since I moved into my apartment? The funny thing is my memory even feels like it's been fast forwarded; I remember everything that I've done, but only in a blurry vague way. I guess this is really what people mean when they talk about life passing them by.
The last couple of days pretty fun, I went to a couple parties with Heather, and nothing remarkable happened, except for the moment when everyone in our vacinity broke out in "Fuck Her Gently." I love the moments in life where it feels like I'm in a movie. There's more that I want to say but articulating it would take a little too much energy. Peace out.

So goodbye Ruby Tuesday

Thanksgiving was a lot of work, but in the end it payed off. I'm glad that I went home because it always makes me grateful for all the things I've always had, the things that I'm glad I got rid of, and the things I've gained in the last year. I don't really know what to do about my relationships with people, but I think that's good because it makes me remember that I'm not completely grown up yet, I still have plenty of things to figure out.
I sat watching Garden State with Mark tonight, and I don't think you can do much better in life than being able to sit and watch one of your favorite movies with the boy you love, and not have to worry about the fact that you cry during the end.
Life is good, I hope you find your peace too.

Gone Daddy gone, the love is gone.

So random update cause I have nothing to do. Colby and I cooked a home made dinner for Mark and Jaymes tonight (actually Mark made the potatoes so I guess the only one who got cooked for was Jaymes) and it turned out pretty well. Fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and butter beans. I had a good weekend; plenty of fun events that would take to long to explain. Tomorrow = going home, which should be a break but since I get to do some charity work, search for a job since mine fell through, help cook and clean, and probably wrangle children, I have a feeling I'll be doing more work than I do down here. I'm looking forward to seeing the family, and to catching up with some people, and I'm not looking forward to some of the people that might be seen. We'll just have to see what happens.

It's not Christmas yet so stop acting like it

Alright we'll do some highlights since it's been awhile.
1: Last Thursday I got into my first real mosh pit and I still have the bruises to prove it
2: Reggie and the Full Effect were diffinately worth the drive
3: "I love you bitch but you gotta die"
4: I've been sick as hell for the last few days
5: Hung out with Colby Jaymes and Mark last night; it was wonderful
6: Realized that some people I used to respect aren't as high up in my eyes anymore
7: I'm getting really sick of some of the standard convo's at Lakeside
And that's all for now folks.

Bennie and the Jets

I went and saw Running With Scissors last night with Colby, James, Michelle, Danielle, and some other people in Savannah. As much as Mark wasn't feeling it, I thought it was great. Very different from the book, however I think they made some of the lesser charecters have a depth that made the movie touching. Annette Benning was absolutely amaizing as Deirdre; I have never seen a person play a role like she did. Other than all of that the week has been suprisingly dull, actually thats a lie. In between protests, falling off cars, trying to get a Rubix cube to start a mosh pit, finding out why I don't like Talladega Nights, almost wittnessing a riot at Lakeside, and asking the all important question of "can a guys penis get a cramp", I haven't really done much. I registered for classes and found out that I'll be taking spanish until I graduate, I also changed my major (I'm going for a B.A. in English with a minor in International Studies), and found out that unlike some people that have made fun of me I am already a sophomore, and I'm on track to be a junior next year, so I'm really kind of excited about school. Well I gotta shower so peace out kids and take care of yourselfs.

Save America, spare Iraq, make Texas take him back

So as anyone that goes to Southern knows the President of our country came for a visit, and spoke on our campus (which oddly enough is supposed to be a non-partisan campus...he was speaking to support Max Burns) So I got to go to my very first protest and it was awesome. The things I was mainly there to protest were The Patriot Act, and the Military Commision Act, both of which deny the American people of civil liberties ensured by the Bill of Rights. Anyway it was a really good protest and I feel like I actually did something with my life for once that meant something. There were alot of really good speakers and I even learned some things that I didn't know. The point of all of this is that I want all of you to get out there and voice what you believe in, even if it's contrary to what I think. Having a voice is the most wonderful thing we were given and it's time that we start to use them.

Kings of the runaways

Last night can not be put into words. All I can say is that you need to listen to the Decemberists...actually you need to see them live. That's all.

Just put your hand in mine....

Just a quick update...I went and saw ZOSO last night and it was absolutely amazing. I had a blast dancing with Heather and doing a few shots with Josh. I'm going to see the Decemberists tomorrow with Moe and I'm absolutely stoked about that. Then it's time to spend the next few days pretending to be Mia Wallace, which shouldn't be too hard considering I dyed my hair black...although I need to make it a little darker b/c the blonde shows through in a couple of places. Everybody be safe this weekend.

In rebuttal

OK so a couple things about the last post. I was piss drunk when I made it so a couple of the things I was trying to say did not come across. The "druggie" friends are mostly people from the past that are for some unknown reason making their precense in my life known. In fact only one person that I really consider to be a good friend is having a problem with drugs right now, and I'm doing what I can to help said person. I no longer do drugs, and I haven't for awhile...it's just not for me. That post wasn't meant to be for pity, I was just frustrated with some things that have happened over the last week and stupidly decided to vent on the internet...so there it is. If you attempted to give me advice I appreciate it, and I would appreciate it more if you would declare who you are when you give it (I don't listen to strangers, and don't bring Mark into it because he isn't part of this).

Breathe in

Do you ever miss your old life. You know the one you had before you grew up. Some times I miss how easy it was to be me. The worst decisions I had to make was what to wear to school. Now I'm having to watch people I care about fuck up their lives. Now I'm not even a part of the group that I considered dear friends. Now everything is hard. I know it's not easy to grow up, but I've honestly got to wonder why it has to be so hard. It just seems like there has to be an easyier way that I haven't found. I'm sorry if I sound like I'm bitching. I'm not gonna lie, I've been drinking but I don't think that that makes my thoughts any less legitimate. I don't like the fact that half of my friends border on being drug addicts. They're not bad people, they just don't make the best decisions. I mean I've been there and I know how easy it is to give into a high...but still it makes me sad. And then some other people just seem so goddamn condesinding about anything that doesn't fit within their narrow scope of reality. It's like if you make your own decisions, and they happen to be outside the spectrum they think is acceptable then you're a bad person. Well you know what I have to say to that...FUCK YOU. At least I can think for myself, and I'm not govererned by what you think.

Taking Back Sunday For A Refund

So it's been a busy weekend. Friday night I saw Greasy G play then went to Apex to catch my first metal show. Not really my thing, but I wanted to go and represent for Carlos and his bands last show in Statesboro. Last night I went with Heather, Josh, and Mark to a party at Eagles Landing then went and chilled at Willow Bend. It was a pretty fun night, and I got to go to my first swim meet and Heather did awesome.
The week has been less than perfect; I had some run ins with people from the past and that was less than good. It's October so as always things are going to hell bit by bit, but I think if I can make it through the month things will be good again.

The killer in me is the killer in you

Yesterday I got a jolt because of a party invitation I got. It was for a friends birthday and I went to the same party almost exactly a year ago. In fact that party was were I met Matt, and all of the rest of the guys that I would spend a good bit of time with over the next couple of months. The point of all of this is that I want people to think of everything that has happened and changed in a year. Think of the friendships you've made and lost, think of the new things you've tried, and think of the things that might not be pleasent but still taught you something. Then remember that you are still alive and it's time to stop bitching about things. I'm not saying don't say something if you have a problem, because of course you need to talk about that kinda stuff, but the trivial day to day bullshit; it's time to let that go.
Saturday was a great night for me. I think it's what Mark and I needed to get out of this semi-slump that I felt like we were in. We went to Tybee and just sat on the beach and watched the moon and a storm come in and it was great. I've got my own problems right now but for the most part life is good and I've got nothing to bitch about.

All is right in the jungle

Everyone is getting what they deserve and it's nice...actually I should probably rephrase that because it sound negative. What I mean is, is that all the people I care about are getting what they have deserved all along and it's really nice. I must say that I had a wonderful weekend, it really was great. Friday night my buddy Carlos and his roommate Jimmy had a party and I got to drink for free which actually means I got to drink alot. This ska band from Atlanta (50/50 Shot) and local favorite Greasy G played and I danced my ass off. Saturday was cool because we hung out with a couple friends of Colby's and that was really nice as a change of pace. I don't know there are a lot of things that seem very positve in my life, but I can't shake this feeling. It feels like everything is on the verge of going to hell again. It's been almost a year since my adult life began and alot has happened, and I've changed a good deal; at this point I'm pretty happy with were I am so I just hope that this is just one of those stupid feelings of impending doom I get sometimes that prove to be nothing.

Let's do some living after we die

"The devil came here yesterday," Chavez said. "He came here talking as if he were the owner of the world."

The leftist leader, who joined Iran last week in an alliance against U.S. influence, accused Washington of "domination, exploitation and pillage of peoples of the world."

"We appeal to the people of the United States and the world to halt this threat, which is like a sword hanging over our head," he said.

He also said the United Nations in its current system "doesn't work" and is "antidemocratic."

So the above quote was taken from the leader of Venezuala and while I don't agree with what he's saying mostly because of the let's become allies with Iran, we need to start really thinking about what is going on in the world; not just our leaders and the people that run the government but we the people. If our Constitution works the way it's supposed too then we are the government and we are what some of the world sees as a threat. We've stood by for a really long time and just watched things happen in the world and done nothing, and now we are attempting to step up and do something, which isn't a bad thing, but it does lend to what some nations are beginning to think of us. Where were we in Rwanda when over 800,000 people lost their lives. After WW2 we said never again would such a genocide take place yet we as a world allowed it to happen. This was the whole reason that the UN was created yet nothing is being done. NOTHING. It's insane. I understand that we can't baby sit the world and force peace but trying to help is something we should have been doing all along. The way I see it is that the free nations of the world, including the US, have not been doing our jobs. We are allowing tyrannical leaders take control of nations and doing nothing because at the time the pose no threat to us, but they do...maybe not right now but they will. If you know me then you know I'm not a fan of preemptive action but it just seems like it's getting to the point where that is the only option. We've boxed ourselves into a corner and what are we going to do. I'm am honestly terrified because it seems like we're coming to a cusp in human history where things are going to become catastrophic, and we allowed it to happen. So the whole point of this was that we need to be aware and we need to do something.

You see this shackles baby I'm your slave

So much to say and so much that is better left unsaid...so let's do some highlights. I went and saw Melissa last friday night which was very nice. I gotta say that out of all of us Melissa is the most mature. You gotta respect a girl that knows what she's doing, is taking care of herself, and keeping herself out of shit. The next night was cool too, we went out for Cady's birthday and ended up crashing a party at Tech...enough said.
The week wasn't too interesting but oh the weekend was grand. Friday night was a little trying/upsetting for these reasons. When people tell you that you should do something and you don't want too it sucks, but when they tell you to do something and you actually think about it it makes it worse. Had some dramatics with Mark, and things were a touch shakey on Saturday morning but eventually we got it back together and our tailgate turned out pretty well. The game was cool, and the party after was better. I got to laugh at drunk ass freshman even though my ass was just as drunk and I found out that Heather's freshman is the coolest guy ever...if you don't know why then we don't want you to know. Other than that life is life. Oh and do some research on the genocide in Rwanda and see if it makes you want to make a differnece in the world. If it doesn't you truley have no soul.

I was born in the back of a Greyhound bus

I love the Allman Brothers. So Tampa was great, other than getting sick, and it was cool to get to spend some time with Mark and his family. We saw Beerfest which is freaking hilarious so all in all I say it was a good weekend. We got piss drunk Sunday night and fell asleep watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind on his laptop. When I woke up I really thought the sheets were going to catch on fire b/c of how hot the laptop was...it was scary. The weather has been great for the last couple of days in Statesboro...although I think it's a little sad that 80 degrees constitutes great weather, but whatever. I'm going home this weekend so that should be fun and other than that nothing is really coming up. I'm really enjoying life right now because not only is life going well for me, it seems that karma is coming into effect. Maybe it's wrong to take pleasure in that but it's still nice. BTW does anybody else think that DQ kinda ripped of Rocky Horror with those red lips in their commercial because I think they did.
So this weekend I had one of the moments. You know the ones where you just look at somebody and you know something. I looked at Mark in the car when we were listening to Maps by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs and I knew that there is nobody else in the world that I could/would/or would want to be with right now. It's just nice to have those moments when you're certain that you made the right decision. It's been a long time since I've had a moment like that. Plus Heather has her boy now and it just seems like everyone I care about is on the road to happiness even if they aren't there yet. It's nice.

I've been waiting here for so long

So a quick rant and then an update. The quick rant is this...people are bullshit.
I'm going to Tampa tonight with Mark. It's our first road trip together and we're going to see his sister so I'm pretty excited. I got a tattoo....shhh my family can't know. I think it's pretty bad ass but you guys can pass judgement when you see it yourself. I've met Heather's new boy and I like him a good bit. I had a wonderful time hanging out at Oasis last night with friends, and classes are just classes. I'm sure there are more interesting things to talk about but I don't really care to elaborate on those and that's about it.

If everything could ever feel this real forever

The last week flew by and there isn't anything to interesting to report. Heather got in a bike wreck and her toe is fucked up, I got a hundered on a quiz in German, and I got to spend some quality time with my Statesboro friends. I also spent most of the week sober, so that means I'm doing better than last semester. We went to a badass party last weekend, and to the Boonie Deathfest this weekend, so party wise life hasn't been to bad. I had a nice talk with Moe this morning about love, people, and life in general. I will never be able to describe my relationship with Moe, but regardless this morning (even though I almost cried) was good. In fact life is good. I have my own place, enough cash to scrape by, the security of knowing who my real friends are, and a loving family back home. I'd say I'm doing pretty good. I've noticed hypocracy running rampant at GSU and I'm finding it pretty damn funny that things that were so "evil" last year are now perfectly acceptable. I guess I really can be a trend setter. ;)

It takes my pain away

What are you supposed to do when you see somebody that you really love hurting themself? What are you supposed to do when you know that there isn't anything you can do to stop them?
How are you supposed to help somebody that refuses to help themself? They say they're better and then a few month later it happens again, and there is nothing you can do. You feel weak, and powerless, and like shit that you can't help.
I was thinking this morning about something somebody said to me last night, something that alot of people have said to me when they decide to look at their own lives and feel sorry for themselves. This person told me that I had a perfect life. I'll admit for the most part I have a good life, and to most people I think it looks better than it is on the outside. Just because your parents had money or they bought you a car when you were sixteen doesn't mean you haven't been through shit. It doesn't mean that life was rosy every damn day of your life. I'm not writing this for pity, because I am one of those people that can say even though I hate life sometimes, I am happy with it for the most part. I like my life, and I know that I have it pretty damn good, but like my International Studies teacher said, we should never feel bad for what we have. We should just try to make it to where everyone can have what we have. The point of all of this was that don't assume that just because your life seems shittier than someone elses doesn't mean that it was. We've all had problems, some worse than others, and nobody has had the perfect life.
Well with that out of the way, the week has been pretty damn good. Class is mediocre at best but I can handle it, and it's been nice to see everybody from last year. Oh a guy I know partially sliced the tendon in his wrist while playing with a samuri sword when drunk. The lesson; friends don't let friends play with sharp objects in a drunken stupor.

Sippin on gin and juice

So a quick update on the past few days. Moved into my bad ass townhouse...it's awesome. There's a lot of space and Mark and Blake live literally directly behind us. Got drunk on Friday night but nothing to crazy happened..then yesterday we finished getting our respective places set up, and went to get Mark's tatoo. It looks so good and it made me really excited about getting mine. Then we had my birthday party which was pretty fun other than I made the mistake of smoking on top drinking and got sick. Other than that life is going on as usual. To those left in d'ville I miss you guys but I'll see you the next time I come home.

Sit around and watch the tube but nothings on

So I'm back from my whirlwind trip to Statesboro. I have a better idea about jobs, and I got to spend some much needed time away from home. I found some interesting things out about some people...a couple of months ago it would have made me angry as hell because of the hypocracy but now I find it hysterical. Always remember; don't condem others for an action if you're going to turn right around and do it yourself. Chillin with Heather this weekend was wonderful as usual, and getting to see Jesus and other people from our friends at Southern was nice.
There's so much I could say right now to give this post some meaning or point but I don't think I will. In fact I'll just leave you with a warning. Remember Lady in the Water: the danger it right in front of our eyes.

We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl...year after year.

So I've been thinking about the future alot lately...I think getting my tarot read caused that. And then I started to think about what I asked the tarot...my career. Why not my love life? Why not about my family that I could have? It's because I don't want to know. I'm terrified that it would tell me that once again I'd make an impulse decision and get married some time in a few years, and then where the hell would I be? I'm a very selfish person because I don't want to spend my life making decisions to make other people happy. If I'm married I have to consider the other person. What if I want to go try living in NYC, but my spouse has a nice reliable job in some place like Douglasville that it makes no sense to leave? What am I supposed to do then. It happened to my granny and to my mom and I don't want it to happen to me.
And kids...what the hell. I'll have to spend a significant portion of my life feeding them, clothing them, giving things up so that they can have what they need...and I would do all that with no questions, but I don't really want that. The thing that I prize the most in my life is my independence. My freedom to make choices that if they go wrong will only affect me. And I love that because I don't really care that much what happens to me, but I sure as hell won't knowlingly do something that could hurt somebody that I love. And I would love my husband and/or my kids so I couldn't just take of to work for the PeaceCorp on the other side of the earth because my family would need me, and I couldn't see them hurt. So I think what it comes down to is that I'm fine on my own because the only person I'll hurt is myself, and I like it that way.

I'm not crazy cause I take the right pills everyday

So much to say...where to start...how about Tuesday? So on Tuesday I went to a baseball game with Mark, TJ, and TJ's girlfriend. Was I really looking forward to all of this..not really because baseball just is not that interesting to me. However after getting off Marta at the wrong station 2 times, walking a mile in the heat, standing in line for tickets, and seeing a disconcering amount of mullets I realized that it was going to be a good night. The game was very fun (upper level behind home plate) and I got to yell "Get these mother fuckin Marlins off my mother fuckin field" which truly made my night. When we got back to town me and Mark got some food at Fabiano's and had a "serious talk" which are not my favorite type, then we went to DC and played on the field for a while.
Last night I finally quit my job...so I have two weeks before all the work starts again. I also registered for into to German yesterday. I'm very excited about that
Went and saw Lady in the Water. The only way to describe that story was beautiful. I cried at one point. The metaphors and commentary on our world seem kind of shallow at first but then you realize it's deeper than you think.
I've been reading the Fountainhead lately and all I can say is that I wish Roark, Mallory, Mike, and Dominque were in my life.

I must be crazy

Does this quote bother anyone else "No man is an island unto himself" and I can't exactly quote the rest of it but it's about how we're all pieces of a continent? Thank you John Dunne for basically taking away the hope of humanity and replacing it with a false comfort. I just heard it qouted and 2 different shows and it really upset me. If you can't really on yourself and only yourself what is the point? Yes it's nice to have a support system, but you can't count on those. You have to be able to support yourself in the waves of the world so you don't get swept away. You have to know that you are enough and can survive with nothing else. It's not what any human being wants but it's a good thing to have, it's good to know that as long as you're alive you're going to be okay. I'm not a great example of this. At this point everyone knows that I was decently fucked up for a while. And what did I do? I relied on people and chemicals and look where it got me; alot of really bad situations, alienated friends, and a sense that I can't handle things on my own. But I need to be able too. I need to be able to rely on myself and only myself. It just seems that alot of quotes we live by are teaching us the wrong way to live.

I forgot I can't breathe under water

Last few days have been very exciting. I had a late night adventure to Rocky Horror in Atlanta with Greg, Erin, Hilary, and other assorted guests, and then on Saturday I got up and went to the lake. It was Heather's birthday and so Blake and I went to Lake Sinclair to chill with her and some of her friends on Saturday. It was a fun bunch of hippies and you can imagine the high-jinks that occured. I also got to jump off a roof into the lake which was awesome. I'm probably about to get fired due to the fact that I was supposed to be at work yesterday and I didn't show up...oh well it's life. Well maybe I'll write something with some substance later but for right now I just don't give a shit.

There's something different in your heart

So I've been thinking alot about the future over the last couple of days. I don't think journalism is for me. The only reason I wanted to do it was so that I could be involved in music in some way shape or form. But the fact is I'm going to have deadlines and a boss (2 things I hate) and I'm not even guarenteed a job working for a music magazine. So by combining things I know about me; I hate being told what to do, I hate being told how to dress, I'm obsessed with music and it pisses me off when I can't find a Generation X cd anywhere but the internet, if I want something I get, and I have no problem telling people what to do; I've decided on a possible game plan. I'm going to open a record shop. I'm thinking Savannah do to the fact I love that city and SCAD and all the little indie kids are about to keep me in business. I really just need to find a partner and someone who can invist. If Savannah doesn't work I already have a location I like in the ATL. I can pretty much be my own boss...I can let my employees have piercings and oddly colored hair. I can be around music all day. If it doesn't work then at least I had an adventure doing it. So I'll be changing my major pretty soon to Sociology (I refuse to be a businees major or anything like that b/c I'd go insane) and maybe pick up a minor in Business instead.


I've also decided I'm a) getting a tatoo b) that it's going to be a skull with a snake coming out and c) that it's going to be on my wrist. I"m really excited. In other news I spent some time with Erin on Monday night. We discussed things we don't generally talk about (probably b/c alcohol was involved) and we agreed on a couple of things. We both really respect Greg, I've grown and changed alot, and Coach Jackson is the shit. It was also nice to talk to her because she let me know that my attempts to be an adult about everything don't go unnoticed. Yesterday I had lunch with Melissa, Colby, and Lucy which was very fun, and on Tuesday I got to watch some of the guys discover that alcohol + bowling = bad idea. It was very entertaining. So mostly it's been a good week and I'd be a fool to complain. I started reading the Fountainhead again. I stopped halfway through when I started smoking alot so I feel like now is the time to finish it.

It's better...I'm better now. If I feel like everything is slipping away I focus on a song and it helps me get through...so it's good.

Fuck this

I couldn't sleep last night. It felt like the walls in my room were trying to smother me. When I say I didn't sleep I literally mean I didn't sleep. I feel like I'm starting to lose it. I need to go home. I need to leave. I'm grateful for what I have but I'm starting to not care. I need something or somebody. I do n't know what. I know I need to sleep. Maybe that's why I'm feeling like this. But it's a feeling I can't shake. Everybody has left or is leaving. I have about 5 people really in my life now. I'm sure I'll erase this later. But maybe not. Maybe it's not such a bad thing to say not everything is ok. Maybe it's okay to say that some people have really fucked me over and I'm not ok with it. Maybe it's okay to say that it sucks to feel like a stranger around people that used to care. Maybe it's okay to say that I really hate some of you. I tried to say sorry but I'm done not being good enough because at least I'm good enough for a couple of people. You all know what you did. You turned your back, and that's cool because it's not your problem...but at least own up to it.

If you ever said you missed me then don't say you never lied

So I finished reading Catch-22...it's such and amaizing book. Actually I've read a few books so far this summer A Confederacy of Dunces (funny and the main character reminds me of someone I know) Cat's Cradle (Vonnegut strikes again and I couldn't put it down. Literally I read it in one night) One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest (much better than the movie and the movie was great. If you're taking pysch you really should read it) and I just started Lolita. Next up is Running With Scissors which they're making into a movie so I figured I'd read it before I went to see it. It's been a nice few days...Colby and I went to lunch/furniture shopping/shopping/getting attacked by bums in little five points in Atlanta the other day, and then I had a slightly odd night out with Mark and his friends. (It ended in one of his friends getting a ride home from a cop) I finally got payed $540 bitches...and they still owe me for the 3 weeks I worked when I first started. I spent the day with my mom and Saturday and we went and saw the Devil Wears Prada which was really good and had a nice little message about being true to yourself, oh and I ran into Alicia and Felicia on Saturday night.


I keep having these weird dreams that incorporate the past and the future. There's wide array of characters and scenerios but it alway ends in 2 people saying sorry to each other. I know everyone in the dreams and I'm usually the main character and eventually I'm one of the people that apologizes. I suppose this could mean that I need to say sorry for something I've done...but the fact is I've apologized for anything I was honestly sorry about and the majority of the time it hasn't been reciprocated. So I want to know why I'm still saying sorry in my dreams. I dunno if you have any insight let me know.

Your Dosha is Vata

Creative and restless, you take in all of life's pleasures (maybe a little too much!).You're quick witted and very talkative, but you also tend to have a spotty memory.You tend to get very into ideas, people, and lifestyles... but only for a short time.It's difficult to hold your attention, and you sometimes feel with what life has to offer. With friends: You are very uncomfortable in new situations or with new people In love: You fall in and out of love very easily To achieve more balance: Live in a warm climate and spend some quiet time in nature

What's" Your Dosha?

You Have Low Self Esteem 64% of the Time

You tend to blame yourself when things go wrong, regardless of whether it's your fault or not.You're anxious to please others and rely too much on their opinions. Learn to please yourself first, and your confidence will soar.

How is Your Self Esteem?

Your Quirk Factor: 69%

You're so quirky, it's hard for you to tell the difference between quirky and normal.No doubt about it, there's little about you that's "normal" or "average."

How Quirky Are You?

Your Personality Is

Idealist (NF) You are a passionate, caring, and unique person.You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals. You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily.Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings. You seek out other empathetic people to befriend.Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships. In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily. At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career. With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone. As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style. On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.

The Three Question Personality Test

You Are 8% Lady

You're a pretty crass, and even a bit crude on occasion.Manners don't matter to you, but they sure matter to those around you.

Are You A Lady?

Your Scholastic Strength Is Deep Thinking

You aren't afraid to delve head first into a difficult subject, with mastery as your goal.You are talented at adapting, motivating others, managing resources, and analyzing risk. You should major in: PhilosophyMusicTheologyArtHistoryForeign language

What Should You Major In?

People Envy Your Compassion

You have a kind heart and an unusual empathy for all living creatures. You tend to absorb others' happiness and pain.People envy your compassion, and more importantly, the connections it helps you build. And compassionate as you are, you feel for them.

What Do People Envy About You?

You Belong in San Diego

Laid back and friendly, you were meant to live most of your life on the beach.You usually think everything is "all good"... except when the weather dips under 60F.You stay classy - especially when you're in Tijuana!

Where Does Your Inner Californian Belong?

Your Personality Is Like Acid

A bit wacky, you're very difficult to predict.One moment you're in your own little happy universe...And the next, you're on a bad trip to your own personal hell!

What Drug Is Your Personality Like?

Isn't it funny how little tests like these can know more about you sometimes than most people?

Young man the control is in your hands

So this is probably going to be a long rambling post and if you actually make it through let me know and you'll get a prize. That said let's begin. I bought the Matis..whatever cd Youth, and I think it was Phillip that said a while back that everyone should listen to it and I wholeheartedly agree. If you know me then you know I'm not a Christian (I just really can't see the point of it) but hopefully you know that I still believe in a creator and all that good stuff. The reason I bring this up is that Matisyahu (I just Goggled his name) is the first "religious" artist that I've been able to listen to and connect with. The way he talks is the way that I feel about a lot of things; it's not about him ramming his beliefs down anybodies throat, he's just saying that you should live a good life and be grateful for what you have. As I've matured in the last year I've really found myself and what I believe. I don't think that you have to subscribe to everyday Chritianity to be a good person in life. Hell you don't even have to believe in God (because really what is the point of belief if you only believe out of fear?) to make it to "heaven" whatever that ends up being. All you have to do is try. Try to be a good person, try to do the right thing every time, and try not to hurt other people. The reason I say try rather than do is the fact that no matter what at some point you're going to fail. You're going to be weak and screw up, but that doesn't damn you for the rest of your life. As long as you can admit your mistakes, try to fix what you fucked up, and do your best not to make the same mistake then your golden. If we didn't get second chances then I would be damned to hell about 5 times over just from stuff in the past year. I don't regret what I've done because all of my experiences have taught me about life, showed how much I stand to lose, let me see where rock bottom was, and I learned that I'm strong enough to get up and keep going each day when it seems like there was no reason to bother. And because of everything I've found what I believe and I've found out who I am for the most part. Somtimes you have to fall so you can pick yourself up of the floor as a better person. Like I said at the begining I don't think this was very coherant but maybe you got the gist. Spend this life searching for yourself because you have the next one to find God.

Judgement

Umm so I thought I would review 3 cd's that I think you people need to go out and buy...but I'll be objective


The Raconteurs: Broken Boy Soldiers


If you like the White Stripes and you've always wondered what they would sound like with a full band and a little bit more depth in the drums then the Raconteurs are for you. Their first single "Steady as she Goes" is a pretty good song, but the deeper cuts on the album far surpass the radio hit. Jack White's skill on guitar really shows in this album and all and all it's a very solid record.


Wolfmother: Wolfmother


Jimmy Paige's guitar and Robert Plant's vocals more your style? Then Wolfmother is the record I would invest in. Granted they sound like they could just be playing covers of lesser known Zepplin songs, but it's a good cd to crank up and drive around too. This album contains some of the best guitar work I've heard come out of any young artists in a long time, and the lead singer does have a very good voice. There's not a single track on the album that I felt inclineded to skip, and due to the fact that you can get the cd for $8 at Best Buy there really is no reason not to go get this album.


Blondie: Live


It's Blondie...it's live...and it has Atomic on there. You do the math. Pick it up for $2 at FYE. If you don't then you really are an idiot.

I'm lookin in on the good life

Alright so if you read the last post before I deleted it then good for you. If not then here is a newer "nicer" one. I hate my job (only a little bit) when I get bitched at for other peoples fuck ups...I don't mind taking responsibility for my screw ups but it's starting to get a little annoying. Life has been ok the last couple of days...Mark and I caught fireflies and talked about things. Like I said before talking to Mark is the best because he is the first person that has ever just let me talk...and it was nice. He didn't jump in with explinations or his opinions or how it all related back to him....he just listened and when I was through told me what he thought. I honestly didn't know it was possible to be this in love with somebody...everyday he shows me a new reason to love him...omg that was sickeningly cheesy...feel free to throw rotten fruit at me. I went to Erin's house on Monday night and had a pretty good time, and then last night was Trivia/Bowling night with Mark and his friends...it was fun as always. That's just about it....it's less than 2 months before I get to move back to Statesboro.

Gold teeth and a curse for this town were all in my mouth.

Sometimes a person decides to tell you something deeply personal that has nothing to immediately do with either one of you. It's at these moments when you realize what trust really is. Not a whole lot has been going on, and due to that I've been doing a lot of thinking...and if you know at all then you probably can guess what all I've been thinking about. I really was glad that Friday night went as well as it did because I've really missed certain aspects of the old days...but then again it also reminded me of things I didn't miss. By the was if you think it's funny to pretend to be someone your not you are sorely mistaken. It's just pathetic. I saw Heather on Tuesday and that was nice...I really do miss getting to hang out with her all of the time. She invited us to her birthday in July so that should be rather fun. I picked up a prostitute by the name of Greg Johnson last night when I was leaving the mall. Greg is one great trick [;)] Other than that life is dull. Oh yeah I have to wait another two weeks before I get my first pay check...I'm starting to get a little pissed.

She said her daddy had dreams but he drank them away

So my dear friend Hilary is home and it was so wonderful to see her yesterday. I've really missed her while she was in New York. She had a shin dig at her house last night and I honestly was a little apprehensive about going. However I'm glad that I did. I got to see Jessie the girl for the first time this summer and it was great to catch up, and some of us ended up hanging together outside just like we did in the old days. It was really nice. Sure as it got later it wasn't a great (people began to leave) but the fact is I had a really good time. Some people have their same problems but at this point they really aren't my concern and I've decided after testing the waters last night I don't really need to worry about keeping my distance as much as I was, and I can't put into words how glad that makes me. I know we're never going to all be how we used to (I wouldn't want that) but at least we can be better than we have been.

Baby I'm bad news

So the last few days...action packed. I've worked everyday so far this week and today and yesterday were my days off. However that didn't stop the fun. I stayed at Mark's on Wednesday and I made me miss waking up with him even more. Fast forward to Friday which involved packing up my parents, moving Mark and his mom into their new place, and a sticky situation that landed me without a car because Mark was driving it. After work I got coffee with Greg, Woody, and Mark, and it was nice to get to chill and talk to Greg. After that Lucy, Melissa, Corey, and Mark crashed at my place and we had us a little shindig. I spent Saturday night playing monopoly with drunks, and last night Mark and I went on a date (I'll get to that in a minute)
Saturday restored my faith in my old friends...or at least some of them. They proved that they were as mature as I gave them credit for (at least one of them) and that was kinda what I needed to restore my faith in people.
Last night Mark and I went to see the Break-Up thinking it would be a funny and somewhat tolerable romantic comedy b/c of Vince Vaughn. We were wrong. It was okay but it really wasn't that funny; or interesting at all. However there is one point were Vince Vaughn realizes his mistakes and tries to apologize to Jennifer Anniston and tell her that he loves her. If you want to see this movie don't read any further. Aniston tells him that she doesn't feel the same anymore and that she has nothing left to give. Then this little kid in the audience with us said "But he said he's sorry!" That comment made want to cry. Wouldn't it be great if a simple heartfelt I'm sorry could fix everything? Wouldn't it be nice if we were still that innocent?

Hopin for the best, just hopin nothing happens

So found out I was supposed to work on Sunday and Monday morning and I didn't. Blame = 50% me, 25% my manager, 25% bad luck. If I had been put on the schedule (like everyone else) I would have a fuckin clue when I'm supposed to work, however I should have called to find out so I'm willing to take the majority of the blame. So I've worked 15 hours in the last two days...not my definition of fun...but hey it's money right? Mark is moving back tomorrow so I'm really excited about that, and then my parents leave on friday so I get a break from realizing that I am in fact in Douglasville. I'm not totally sure how I feel about life right now...I would like a chance to get out of town and reflect but that's not going to happen. I know that I'm okay with 95% of how things are, but that 5% makes all the difference. I can't explain how I feel about my friend situation...the ones I have are great...and the ones I had are absent from my life. If I was back in Statesboro this wouldn't be a problem...actually it's not really a problem here...more of a nuisance. I don't know what I'm blathering on about so I'll stop and leave you with this. I'm not always the bad guy or scape goat.

Boys like you are overrated

So I have a lot to say and I'm not sure I'll say it all. First off...love. When the person that you love is leaving to go home, and you chest starts to hurt like a piece of your soul is being ripped away then you know that you're in love. I've NEVER felt like that before...and eventhough it really did kinda hurt I wouldn't trade that feeling for anything.
Second...graduation. So I went there last night...and honestly it might have been a mistake. It was nice to yell for all the kids I know...but then I started thinking about the things that have been said at the school about me. Mistake number one. Then that train of thought led to our graduation. Mistake number two. I began to think about catalysts, parties, decisions, fights, break-ups and awful words from the last year. Mistake number three. Everything changed the night we graduated (not just in the typical way...it really did signify the beginning of the end of everything that was stable and comfortable and my life and some of the people around me) It got to the point where I ducked out of the ceremony because honestly I couldn't take it. Then afterward I was talking to Coach Jackson and he said "I hear more about Georgia Southern then any other school." That might not seem significant to anyone that hasn't had Jackson, but he said it with that look that meant that there was deeper meaning behind the statement. I know what the meaning is. My immediate impulse was to walk over to some people and bitch...but I chose better. I just said that it's a little crazy down there but you can't believe half of what you hear...from anybody.
Third...stop it. All of you know who you are and just stop it. Don't wave it me like we're still friends when we're not. Don't say shit because I won't do the same. Just stop...it's starting to piss me off.

Love

Well she was an American girlRaised on promisesShe couldn't help thinkin that thereWas a little more to lifeSomewhere elseAfter all it was a great big worldWith lots of places to run toYeah, an d if she had to dieTryin' she had one little promise

Alright so the other job didn't work out...so it's just the one at the pet store. But hey it's a job. Other than that not much to report. We saw a guy smoking in the middle of the mall today, and I saw a kid eat a waffle out of the trash can at Waffle House.

When it rains it pours

So I go from having no job to having two...this is craziness.

Lord have mercy for what we done

It's difficult to decide what to write in this thing. The probability is that very few peopel will ever read this, so does it really matter what I write?
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I really do have no clue where I want to go in life. I really want to take spring semester off, but if my parents help me pay for school/rent then I won't be able to. I want to find a job that pays more than $5.15 an hour so I don't have to get a second job, but that looks like a negative. I want to buy some new cd's but I'm completely broke. I need to get out of this town...at least for a little bit. I don't hate Douglasville, but the fact is it sucks to be disliked or treated like a stranger in the place you grew up. I have to actively avoid going some places because of people immaturity (I know that I also caused a good bit of it but for once in my life I just feel like getting to bitch) and I don't really have that many people left in this town. I probably would have been better off staying in Statesboro like I planned, but I came back. My family is being pretty great...or maybe they were always great and I, like most people, was to selfish and self-centered to notice. They all have their shortcommings but for the most part they've helped me alot so far this summer. Mark is wonderful of course, and it sucks that he's stuck in Cedartown, but we could have it alot worse. At least we get to see each other a good bit, but I want our Sunday mornings back, where we just lay in bed and listen to The Velvet Undergrounds Sunday Morning...waking up alone sucks. This summer is going to be hard...I've known that for a while...but Statesboro is just around the corner.

Stars forgive me...why can't you just forgive/forget me?

Today was quite wonderful. Bra shopping with Mom started the day...woohoo...then I headed up to Ceader Town. It was very nice to be alone with Mark..it was almost like being back in Statesboro. We went to a cemetary and looked around which was very fun and then got some dinner at Sonic and just chilled and watched movies. I got some coffee with Micheal at Waffle house (my faveorite coffee in the world.) Other than that life has been the same as it always is. I've been a bit more philosphical than usual...but thinking is a good things...or atleast I think so. I'm gonna go now...one day I'll post something cool. I wish I could go to Bonaroo but I don't have the money...that really sucks. Later.

A new beginning

Yeah so fuck xanga...haha. Tonight=lots of fun even though I thought it would suck. Had a funny conversation...I don't think the other person saw the humour. Tomorrow me and Mark are going to a picnic with my mom's kids...I can't wait. I'm also going to visit Chompers at the vet's because he's doing better. Chillin with Melissa, Lucy and Mike last night was oddles of fun...it's nice to see your friends after you've been away for a long time. Other than that nothing of interest to report...I'll let you know if something cool happens.