Caress me down

Thanks for the sympathies you guys, I really appreciate it. It's been a weird fucking semester. I never thought there would be a time in my life that topped the first semester my freshman year in weirdness and bad decissions on my part, but this one has. However, this one didn't break my like the first time. I've got it together, kinda, and I'm finally really realizing that looking at the past and wondering what could have been is absolutely no help at all. Fuck it I'm looking to the future.

Last night

Two nights ago my grandfather died, and I didn't know until yesterday around 10 pm. He had a brain tumor and parkinsons and just ended up going downhill really fast. I think I cried more last night than I've cried on any other night of my life.
I was lying next to drew and he was just letting me talk, and all I could think about was the time last year that Bobby (my granpa) and Granpat decided to redecorate the dining room. Instead of taking down the wallpaper Bobby decided to just to paint right over it. The funny thing was they were convinced that it looked wonderful, but it looked like shit, you could see the wall paper right through the paint and my grandma's strutting around like the next Martha Stewert.
Then I started thinking about how unfair it was that all of us that are missing Bobby were getting to lie next to the people we care about and cry, while my grandmother is the one that has to lay by herself every night until it's her turn to move on. I'm not sad for my granpa because I believe he's in a place now that's much less painful; it's my granma that I'm crying for because she's had to lose another husband, it's my little cousins that won't get to have a granpa to do magic tricks for them, it's for my dad who is inevitably going to have to pick up the pieces of this mess like he always does, and selfishly it's me because I'm going to miss him, because I remember being in their wedding, because there won't be anyone to take pictures now, and because I don't like dealing with deaths or almost deaths multiple times in a year.
So if you can pray for the people in my family or just send good vibes if you don't pray, I'd really appreciate it, and I'll send some good vibes back your way.

Note to self

Don't eat sushi then drink...you will puke. Life taught me this week that I need to keep myself a little more reserved. It also taught me that 5 mickey's is to many mickey's. No Douglasville this thanksgiving, and I'm not going to lie I'm a little relieved. The old Jittery's that we spent so much time in is no more, rampent consummerism is on the rise in that god forsaken hellhole, and Starbucks has become king and forced us all into serfdom. While I was looking forward to seeing old friends (Colby, Melissa, Lucy, Michael, and Erin) I'll have to wait until christmas, a time in which I will also have to face decisions from the past and their reprecussions. Putting that off a little longer is a slight comfort.

Holy buckets

I'm so tired...I hate those up and back trips to d'ville. I'm about to have to deal with a death in the family on top of the things I've dealt with this semester. But I've come to a realization. I'm a fighter, I always have been. I'm not going to let all the things that are happening to me get me down. Life is going to be a bitch to me...fine then life obviously hasn't met me. I won't let all of this beat me, I'm going to get it through it even though I'm going to have to get some professional and possibly medical help. I'm done being sad, I'm done dwelling. I did what I did, and people did what they did so now I'm just going to have to fucking suck it up and deal with it. I'm done crying, I'm done moping, and I'm done self medicating. I'm going to make this better.

In your head

Lately I've been thinking a lot about home, and what exactly constitutes a home. Is it a place filled with people that you are only truely connected to through blood, or is it something more abstract? If you have a home can you ever truely find a new home, and if you are away from that home, would you ever be able to feel at home somewhere else? For along time I fooled myself into believing that Statesboro was becoming my home, but in light of recent events I'm beginning to feel that it's not. Douglasville is my home in a concrete sense, but I'm beginning to realize that home is not a place...it's a feeling of safety and security. When you are small your parents provide that (unless they are crack addicts) but as you grow older it's the people you surround yourself with that begin to serve that purpose. In a course of a semester I have lost the 2 people that gave me that sense of security. One transfered schools for his family, and one left Statesboro for his own reasons, and now I'm stuck here devoid of my usual support system. I still talk to Colby and Mark almost daily on the phone, but the fact is when you are away from this "home" it sucks. I don't really have people to turn to for all the little everyday stuff because everyone down here has their own fucked up shit to deal with, and I'm starting to really appreciate how much those 2 did for me regardless if they know it or not. I guess it's true when they say "home is where the heart is"