I'm not crazy cause I take the right pills everyday

So much to say...where to start...how about Tuesday? So on Tuesday I went to a baseball game with Mark, TJ, and TJ's girlfriend. Was I really looking forward to all of this..not really because baseball just is not that interesting to me. However after getting off Marta at the wrong station 2 times, walking a mile in the heat, standing in line for tickets, and seeing a disconcering amount of mullets I realized that it was going to be a good night. The game was very fun (upper level behind home plate) and I got to yell "Get these mother fuckin Marlins off my mother fuckin field" which truly made my night. When we got back to town me and Mark got some food at Fabiano's and had a "serious talk" which are not my favorite type, then we went to DC and played on the field for a while.
Last night I finally quit my job...so I have two weeks before all the work starts again. I also registered for into to German yesterday. I'm very excited about that
Went and saw Lady in the Water. The only way to describe that story was beautiful. I cried at one point. The metaphors and commentary on our world seem kind of shallow at first but then you realize it's deeper than you think.
I've been reading the Fountainhead lately and all I can say is that I wish Roark, Mallory, Mike, and Dominque were in my life.

I must be crazy

Does this quote bother anyone else "No man is an island unto himself" and I can't exactly quote the rest of it but it's about how we're all pieces of a continent? Thank you John Dunne for basically taking away the hope of humanity and replacing it with a false comfort. I just heard it qouted and 2 different shows and it really upset me. If you can't really on yourself and only yourself what is the point? Yes it's nice to have a support system, but you can't count on those. You have to be able to support yourself in the waves of the world so you don't get swept away. You have to know that you are enough and can survive with nothing else. It's not what any human being wants but it's a good thing to have, it's good to know that as long as you're alive you're going to be okay. I'm not a great example of this. At this point everyone knows that I was decently fucked up for a while. And what did I do? I relied on people and chemicals and look where it got me; alot of really bad situations, alienated friends, and a sense that I can't handle things on my own. But I need to be able too. I need to be able to rely on myself and only myself. It just seems that alot of quotes we live by are teaching us the wrong way to live.

I forgot I can't breathe under water

Last few days have been very exciting. I had a late night adventure to Rocky Horror in Atlanta with Greg, Erin, Hilary, and other assorted guests, and then on Saturday I got up and went to the lake. It was Heather's birthday and so Blake and I went to Lake Sinclair to chill with her and some of her friends on Saturday. It was a fun bunch of hippies and you can imagine the high-jinks that occured. I also got to jump off a roof into the lake which was awesome. I'm probably about to get fired due to the fact that I was supposed to be at work yesterday and I didn't show up...oh well it's life. Well maybe I'll write something with some substance later but for right now I just don't give a shit.

There's something different in your heart

So I've been thinking alot about the future over the last couple of days. I don't think journalism is for me. The only reason I wanted to do it was so that I could be involved in music in some way shape or form. But the fact is I'm going to have deadlines and a boss (2 things I hate) and I'm not even guarenteed a job working for a music magazine. So by combining things I know about me; I hate being told what to do, I hate being told how to dress, I'm obsessed with music and it pisses me off when I can't find a Generation X cd anywhere but the internet, if I want something I get, and I have no problem telling people what to do; I've decided on a possible game plan. I'm going to open a record shop. I'm thinking Savannah do to the fact I love that city and SCAD and all the little indie kids are about to keep me in business. I really just need to find a partner and someone who can invist. If Savannah doesn't work I already have a location I like in the ATL. I can pretty much be my own boss...I can let my employees have piercings and oddly colored hair. I can be around music all day. If it doesn't work then at least I had an adventure doing it. So I'll be changing my major pretty soon to Sociology (I refuse to be a businees major or anything like that b/c I'd go insane) and maybe pick up a minor in Business instead.


I've also decided I'm a) getting a tatoo b) that it's going to be a skull with a snake coming out and c) that it's going to be on my wrist. I"m really excited. In other news I spent some time with Erin on Monday night. We discussed things we don't generally talk about (probably b/c alcohol was involved) and we agreed on a couple of things. We both really respect Greg, I've grown and changed alot, and Coach Jackson is the shit. It was also nice to talk to her because she let me know that my attempts to be an adult about everything don't go unnoticed. Yesterday I had lunch with Melissa, Colby, and Lucy which was very fun, and on Tuesday I got to watch some of the guys discover that alcohol + bowling = bad idea. It was very entertaining. So mostly it's been a good week and I'd be a fool to complain. I started reading the Fountainhead again. I stopped halfway through when I started smoking alot so I feel like now is the time to finish it.

It's better...I'm better now. If I feel like everything is slipping away I focus on a song and it helps me get through...so it's good.

Fuck this

I couldn't sleep last night. It felt like the walls in my room were trying to smother me. When I say I didn't sleep I literally mean I didn't sleep. I feel like I'm starting to lose it. I need to go home. I need to leave. I'm grateful for what I have but I'm starting to not care. I need something or somebody. I do n't know what. I know I need to sleep. Maybe that's why I'm feeling like this. But it's a feeling I can't shake. Everybody has left or is leaving. I have about 5 people really in my life now. I'm sure I'll erase this later. But maybe not. Maybe it's not such a bad thing to say not everything is ok. Maybe it's okay to say that some people have really fucked me over and I'm not ok with it. Maybe it's okay to say that it sucks to feel like a stranger around people that used to care. Maybe it's okay to say that I really hate some of you. I tried to say sorry but I'm done not being good enough because at least I'm good enough for a couple of people. You all know what you did. You turned your back, and that's cool because it's not your problem...but at least own up to it.

If you ever said you missed me then don't say you never lied

So I finished reading Catch-22...it's such and amaizing book. Actually I've read a few books so far this summer A Confederacy of Dunces (funny and the main character reminds me of someone I know) Cat's Cradle (Vonnegut strikes again and I couldn't put it down. Literally I read it in one night) One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest (much better than the movie and the movie was great. If you're taking pysch you really should read it) and I just started Lolita. Next up is Running With Scissors which they're making into a movie so I figured I'd read it before I went to see it. It's been a nice few days...Colby and I went to lunch/furniture shopping/shopping/getting attacked by bums in little five points in Atlanta the other day, and then I had a slightly odd night out with Mark and his friends. (It ended in one of his friends getting a ride home from a cop) I finally got payed $540 bitches...and they still owe me for the 3 weeks I worked when I first started. I spent the day with my mom and Saturday and we went and saw the Devil Wears Prada which was really good and had a nice little message about being true to yourself, oh and I ran into Alicia and Felicia on Saturday night.


I keep having these weird dreams that incorporate the past and the future. There's wide array of characters and scenerios but it alway ends in 2 people saying sorry to each other. I know everyone in the dreams and I'm usually the main character and eventually I'm one of the people that apologizes. I suppose this could mean that I need to say sorry for something I've done...but the fact is I've apologized for anything I was honestly sorry about and the majority of the time it hasn't been reciprocated. So I want to know why I'm still saying sorry in my dreams. I dunno if you have any insight let me know.